I am Maltok 5, ruler of all Earth and several other C grade planets nearby. I was kicked out of the Supreme Council on my home planet after running several grifting scams that went awry and landed me in dutch with what your Earth president calls the "Guv'mint."
I have been esconced in my secret bunker here on Earth (timeshares available... please email for details) for 100,000 of your Earth years. It has been my pleasure and sworn duty to watch over this planet and report back to my Guv'mint whether or not Earth should be converted to a new interplanetary timeshare. (Are you sensing a theme here?) So far, I've held them off from such a thing, as it would make all of you humans into the equivalent of plankton for the tables of visiting travelers.
So, to that end I have seeded many of the things you all claim to be your technological "revolutions." Things like velcro, processed cheese, staple guns, Yanni and a host of other things in the hopes you folks would start evolving quicker. So far, it's not working so great. Oh, I also "did it" with a bunch of monkeys a LONG time ago, and now you know how the "great leap forward" occurred.
Anyhoo, I just wanted to introduce myself a bit, so you could get to know me before the impending annihilation of all you know and love.
Be good and try to keep your nose clean.
LOL,
Maltok 5
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