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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Sara Connor We Need You! Robots of Death Imminent!

Don't say I didn't warn ya.
-Maltok 5

Bloodthirsty Robot Hoodlums Will Be Terrorists And Soldiers Of The Future

Killer robots are coming to kill youRobot slaves may be the foot soldiers in John McCain’s thousand-year surge, if expert predictions prove true. Scientists in the field of artificial intelligence see a time in the not-so-distant future when robots will be able to kill on command without any human intervention. This intriguing development could leave the United States to wage robot wars across the planet with other countries’ robots, making war into a sort of healthy and ultimately deathless exercise, except for the robot slaves who will perish horribly in flames. Scientific proof after the jump.

  • University of Sheffield professor Noel Sharkey says that autonomous robots “are more cost-effective and give a risk-free war.”
  • Nations already enjoying the services of military/law enforcement robots include South Korea, Israel, China, India, Russia, and Britain.
  • Unfortunately, terrorists could use robots as suicide bombers. “I don’t know why that has not happened already,” says Sharkey.

The only person alive to see this nightmare scenario will be John McCain himself, who will live to the age of 1 million before his circuit board craps out.

Automated killer robots ‘threat to humanity’: expert [Breitbart]

Thursday, February 21, 2008

You Can Feel Safe Now: FEMA's Got Your Back

This just in from Wonkette! Duck and cover my children...

-Maltok 5

how to survive

FEMA's Tips For Encountering a Poison, Crashing Satellite

As you may have heard, the Pentagon’s space missile successfully hit that broken Satellite of Love last night, and now its poisonous death shrapnel (which has actually been deemed “unhazardous,” by liars) will come hurling into our atmosphere, killing us all. But there is one hope for us in this Armageddon scenario: the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), the revered handymen most famous for getting New Orleans back on its feet within 24 hours of the initial Hurricane Katrina strike. Last week, America’s Most Effective Agency released its “First Responder Guide For Space Object Re-Entry,” i.e. “what to do if the poison satellite crashes next to you.” How will FEMA save the world this time?

FEMA knows the score. This spiraling poison juggernaut is the most lethal threat to humans since space aliens attacked Rudy Giuliani on September 11, 2001:

Friday, February 1, 2008

This Just In... Music On Its Way Out

I've seen this coming for centuries now. Music taking a back seat to things like front seats, car washing, needlepoint and other seemingly more important creative endeavors. Now it's confirmed by the sage masthead below. Music only a 6.8? I say vote it off the island, before it drags us down with it!!

-Maltok 5

Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8

The Onion

Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8

CHICAGO—According to the review, the popular medium that predates the written word shows promise but nonetheless "leaves the listener wanting more."